I’ve never met anyone more intimidating or anyone more attractive. He is perfect in every way, constantly keeping me on my toes and making me want more. Sometimes I don’t know how to handle him or the situation and I can’t help but feel like a lost little girl sometimes until I snap out of it and regain my composure. It didnt happen immediately, falling in love with him… It took months, but it was slow and steady and yet somehow I was still completely caught off guard. Falling for him is one of the most complicated situations I’ve ever encountered, nothing about it is easy except for when we are together. No one has ever made me feel the way I feel when I’m around him: Safe, secure, beautiful, sexy, like anything is possible and the world is in the palm of my hand.
Our love is unspoken. We both feel it, but we both have the same mentality that love is a kind of weakness and neither of us likes admitting any sort of weakness. We’re both guarded emotionally and we have always kept on the same page about feelings. He knows I’m bitchy, but he also knows what makes me that way. I know why he’s an ass, but I also know the reasons behind that persona. I know he feels the same and maybe one day we’ll both admit it, but not now. Why rush it? Why admit something that saying out loud will just scare both of us? Maybe love could even ruin us, tarnish the simplicity of what we have. Something that makes us both vulnerable isn’t really mutually beneficial anymore really, is it?
I deal with it in the sense that I put it in the background of my mind as much as I can. If it sits in the foreground and lingers and I dwell on it it won’t amount to anything good. Right now I’m content with my feelings about him, with my feelings being under wraps and secret. I don’t mind secrets, if I did I would never have gotten into this lifestyle.
Before you say it’s not healthy, this is by far the healthiest relationship I have ever experienced. He takes care of me in every way, financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually. He broadens my mind, my bank account, has done wonders for my self confidence, attends to my sexual needs (that’s important, don’t roll your eyes), and puts stamps in my passport. There’s not much more I could ask for, so I don’t.
There’s no need to be needy, there’s no need to hear three words to validate our relationship, it’s just not necessary to me. Maybe one day, but not right now.